I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.