Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’m Sold!
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat