I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
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I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”