I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
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*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.