I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
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I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.