Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

#Caturday

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

“no gods no masters” = leo

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.