Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.