Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: how are you still single?

Me: it’s easier than you think.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.