Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

gender is a sprctrum

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much