I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
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Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
is it earth
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
huge if true: the moon
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.