I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
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“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.