I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
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This kid is going places
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”