I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
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cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“i am a sweet baby”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.