Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
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Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO