I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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it’s the silliest best thing
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
This is me 🤣🤣
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂