I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
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My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy