I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I’d love this…lol
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.