i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
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If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.