i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
You Might Also Like
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
This hospital has everything
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.