i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
You Might Also Like
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
“Why you watching this shit?”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.