I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
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Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
We avoided this particular disaster
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?