Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
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Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds