I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
You Might Also Like
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
About to throw up
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Boom, boom, ching!
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….