Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”