I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
More like Kate Missington.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit