I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”