I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
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Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
bias laundering edition
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
(Jupiter –
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
AM I BEING GASLIT????