I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
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I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Well. That’s not a good sign.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.