I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
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Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese