I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
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My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
i was dropped as an adult
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.