I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
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Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet