I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
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every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
6. me as a lawyer
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
an airline just for babies.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.