I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
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when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Good Morning.
Good boy 😂😂
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.