I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
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Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Hmmmmmmm….
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE