@SwaGGTheRapper

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

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@SamGrittner

When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

@CAshmanActor

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

@DickMarcs

Confuse vegetarians by cutting vegetables into animal shapes.

@JohnLyonTweets

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

@AGreaterMonster

Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?

@DwellerLake

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

@bossy_bootz

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

@DanMentos

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

@TheBoydP

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…