When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
You Might Also Like
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Confuse vegetarians by cutting vegetables into animal shapes.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…