@SamGrittner
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
@SwaGGTheRapper
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
You Might Also Like
@SamGrittner
@CAshmanActor
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
@DickMarcs
Confuse vegetarians by cutting vegetables into animal shapes.
@JohnLyonTweets
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
@AGreaterMonster
Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?
@DwellerLake
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
@HiddenPinky
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
@bossy_bootz
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
@DanMentos
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
@TheBoydP
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…