I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

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When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.


gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots


Confuse vegetarians by cutting vegetables into animal shapes.


Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.


Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?


I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.


Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now


Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline


My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…