I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
A roof is a house hat.
Hmmmmmmm….
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Well. That’s not a good sign.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
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