I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
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Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
this is how life feels
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I’m good, thanks.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.