Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…