I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
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You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them