I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
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I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Why soy sad?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out