Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

#Caturday

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!