I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
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we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea