I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
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Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
marvel comics have peaked
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word