I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
That took me a moment.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend