I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
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store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Saturday
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*