I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
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Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.