Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.