Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

I can’t stop watching this.

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen