Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er