Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

ㅤ

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.