I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
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like this OR like this
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
There are no pants in heaven.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”