Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

Multitask? I can barely unitask

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.