Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

I had to Stop for this

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.