I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
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Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
2022 be like
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
im 7 sauces long
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I can fix him.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.