I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.