Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!