I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests