I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
I don’t get marriage
🙁
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.