I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me: