I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
So that’s what we looked like?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Are we there yet?…
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Mornin
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people