Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???