I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
gasoline
noun: mouthwash for dragons
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Why are bridges so flammable.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.