@junejuly12: I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
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@SortaBad: [giving commencement address at graduation] “My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
@dril: Food $200 Data $150 Rent $800 Candles $3,600 Utility $150 someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Him: Don't get your panties in a bunch. Me: It's called a bulk pack, Todd. That's how Costco sells them.