@junejuly12: I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
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@LeBearGirdle: *eulogy* Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn't bring his banjo Me: dad always hated my banjo M: whew Me:[reaches into case] but he's gone now
@_Tempo11: [voice recognition in car] Car: "please say a command" Me: "call Tim" Car: "calling Sarah Marcogliese"
@causticbob: 5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.