I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
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Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
If a snake ate a cake
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”