I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
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*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?