I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
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The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
asking santa clause for nudes
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
