Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy