I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
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(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”