Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

step 6: release the wall snake

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.