me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
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(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
So many pants.
So little yoga.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.