Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

For the ones in the back.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Lmao

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

Simple enough.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.