I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
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“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”