Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.