Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?