Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

Awwwww shit.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.