I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
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Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards