Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.