I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
DOOO EEEET
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
True?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.