Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?