I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
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I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
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My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.