Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

Me too, bag. Me too….

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

#math