Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

this will hang in the louvre one day

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…