I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
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Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Swedish for common sense.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Husband of the year 😂
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!