Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

twitter is a journey

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

When someone says you are so lazy

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation